


Pieces of Eight

by TriplePirouette



Category: Big Bang Theory
Genre: Drabbles, F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-08
Updated: 2009-06-08
Packaged: 2017-10-29 22:30:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/324873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TriplePirouette/pseuds/TriplePirouette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eight Pirate S/P Drabbles (ok, most are a little longer than drabbles!) in honor of  Paradox's mysterious 'Pirracy Prroject' (on LJ)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pieces of Eight

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on 6/8/09 and has not beed edited since
> 
>  
> 
> I needed a break from trying to finish Arabian's fic (which is now done and in beta!) And decided to drabble a little to get the S/P juices flowing and to keep the Pirate excitement up! Thanks to a few Paradox members (you know who you are!) and my friend Michael who helped with some ideas.
> 
> Not beta'd so I could get it up before the big Pirate announcement, so let me know if you see any awful, glaring errors! (They're mine... as careful as I try to be they always slip through! )

**  
**   
**~1~**

Penny squeezed on the couch between Sheldon and Raj, smiling at the TV. "Oh, I love this movie! Pirates are so awesome!"

Sheldon looked at her, dismayed, and put down his take out carton to turn to her. "Well, if you think larceny, kidnaping, rape, and murder are 'awesome' then you're correct."

Penny rolled her eyes at Sheldon, but refused to look away from Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom any longer than necessary. "You can't tell me that," she pointed at the well choreographed sword fight, "isn't awesome."

Sheldon nodded, still speaking to her profile. "That piece of highly fictionalized and romanticized cinema is very good. Real, time-period and historically correct pirates, however, were not likely to be named 'People's Sexiest Man Alive.' Real pirates seldom had all their teeth, went unwashed for months at a time, had incredibly short life expectancies because they were often killed or hanged, and had an alarming propensity for lice, scurvy, and sexually transmitted diseases."

Penny winced. "Thanks, Sheldon," she sighed sarcastically. 

He smiled, turning back to his take out, "You're welcome."

 **~2~**

"What are you wearing?" Sheldon asked bluntly when he almost ran into Penny in the hallway  dressed in kid's Pirate garb over her Cheesecake Factory uniform. 

Penny huffed, pulling the plastic pirate hat off and unwinding the "gold" chains from her wrist. "We're doing some cross promotion with the new kid's fun center across the street," she forced a smile and her voice rose in pitch as she tried to fake happiness, "Thursday is Pirate Night! Ahoy, matey! Can I take yer order?" Her contempt for the whole idea was incredibly obvious. 

Sheldon played with the strap of his messenger bag. "I have nothing to order at this time, thank you." Penny rubbed at her eyes and turned away, waving him off as she unlocked her door. Sheldon started down the steps but stopped short and turned back. "Penny?"

She pulled together her best smile, revealing the backed out tooth her manager made her sport for her shift. "Yes, Sheldon?"

"Does the fun center have putt putt golf?"

He jumped back when she slammed the door. 

 **~3~**

"Leonard, what's the emergency?" Penny asked, nearly running into their apartment. "You said that I needed to get Sheldon's normal order and bring it down to you guys ASAP." Penny looked up at Leonard and around to Howard and Raj, noting Sheldon's suspicious absence. 

"Oh," Leonard winced and sat heavily, "It's not really that much of an emergency." He flailed his hands for a few seconds as he tried to figure out what to say before Howard cut in. 

"Arr, ye sassy Lass, Sheldon won't be comin' out of his quarters. Arrr!" 

Penny turned her head slowly, biting her lip. "Did you just call me a 'sassy lass,' Howard?

He sauntered up to her, exaggerating his movements. "Would ye prefer saucy wench?"

Penny stepped towards him, smirking. Leonard and Raj took a cautious step back. "Would ye prefer a broken nose?"

Howard bowed and stepped back quickly. "My lady."

Penny shook her head in frustration and turned back to Leonard. "Why won't Sheldon come out of his room?"

"It's 'talk like a Pirate day.'" Leonard explained, standing and walking over to the refrigerator to pull out a bottle of water, crossing to Penny and stuffing it into her take out bag from the Cheesecake Factory. "I talked Sheldon into going to work, but then these guys," he pointed to Howard and Raj, "had to go all pirate on him. It only took another two people talking like they were right out of some bad Disney ride and he went nuts, muttering about the degradation of the English language and the low standards of intellect of something or other... then he locked himself in his room and demanded we fetch him his Tuesday Burger." Leonard shrugged. 

Penny knit her brows, staring at the three men in disbelief. "So, you're telling me that you guys made him go out when he didn't want to and intentionally messed with his head, and then you made me, me, bring him his Tuesday Burger instead of you going to get it?" Raj nodded, smiling slightly. She looked around at them pointedly. "Jerks." 

Penny marched through the living room and knocked on Sheldon's door. The boys watched as the door opened a crack and she disappeared into it. When she didn't immediately come back out they looked at each other, then expectantly back at the door. After five minutes they still sat quietly waiting for when Sheldon would eject Penny from his room. 

After ten, Raj spoke, exaggerating his r's, "So, who among ye wants to watch The Princess Bride? I'm down for some Dread Pirate Roberts." 

 **~4~**

"Oh dear Lord, what is this claptrap?" 

Leonard looked up from his computer at the annoyed sound of Sheldon's voice. "Uh, I think Penny left that here. Some book she was reading."

Sheldon sat in his spot, scrutinizing the thick paperback he held in his hand. "Oh, if the illustration on the cover is any indication this is romanticized soft core pornography disguising itself as literature. Book, indeed." He scoffed, reading the back cover curiously. 

Leonard went back to the calculations on his computer. "Well, if you don't like it that much, just put it down. Penny's a grown woman. I'm sure she can decide what she wants to read. She'll probably come over to get it when she realizes she's missing it, anyway."

"Just listen to this!"Sheldon continued, barely hearing Leonard's protests. "'Isabella, the fair young daughter of the island's most respected aristocrat, is taken hostage by the fearsome crew of the Davenport: a vile band of pirates. But once aboard, Isabella finds the Captain's harsh and demanding ways are actually more appealing to her than those of her betrothed, Darren. Will Isabella succumb to the will of Captain Andrew? Will she be rescued with her virginity intact? Will she even want to return home?' Leonard, I tell you, what kind of person would want to read this?"

"Apparently a lot of people," Leonard muttered. "I need to go back to the lab, I forgot my portable hard drive. I'll be back." Leonard stood, wondering if Sheldon heard him as he continued to study the book. 

When Leonard came back Sheldon was still in his spot on the couch. This time he was actively reading Penny's romance novel. "Sheldon, what are you doing?"

"Sush! Captain Andrew is just about to rescue Isabella from the Spanish Armada." Sheldon continued reading, waving a hand dismissively at him. 

Leonard did a double take. "Wait, what?"

Sheldon rolled his entire head, huffing as he put the book down. "Isabella has supposedly been rescued by the Spanish Armada because they are operating under the assumption that Captain Andrew means her harm. However, Captain Andrew is actually saving her from marrying her physically abusive betrothed by saying he's kidnaping her. I'm also fairly sure that Isabella is pregnant with Andrew's child after their drunken tryst in chapter 7." Sheldon picked up the book again, immersing himself immediately. 

"What happened to 'claptrap' and 'romanticized pornography'? Leonard asked, pulling out his laptop. 

Sheldon spoke quickly, unable to hide the fascination in his voice. "I seriously underestimated the entertainment value of such things. Also, I find that these books may be an incredibly useful insight into what women deem 'romantic.' For example, did you know that woman consider assault sexy?"

Leonard stared at him blankly. "Huh?"

Sheldon held up a finger, finishing the last page of the novel before putting it down and addressing Leonard. "Women apparently desire to be pushed against a wall and kissed in a semi-aggressive manner. It's also fascinating to note that they consider a 'happy ending' to be marriage with children on the way, and in no way object to pre-marital sex if the male party is rugged and likely their 'soul mate.' AT least, those are the conclusions I've been able to draw based on this particular specimen." Sheldon moved around the apartment quickly as he spoke, grabbing his coat and messenger bag. "Come on."

"Where are we going?" Leonard asked, still slightly confused. "I just got back."

"You're taking me to the book store. This requires more research."

 **~5~**

"It's a theme party, Sheldon!" Penny huffed, hoping to get through to him. 

He walked across his living room and away from her, trying to stay logical. "I understand that part, Penny. You wished to have a birthday party that hinges on everyone wearing costumes that fall in line with a given theme. What I don't understand is why you require everyone to dress up as Pirates. As I recall, you did not like dressing up as a pirate at the Cheesecake Factory a few months ago."

She shook her head, sitting on the couch. "I disliked taking orders in a fake accent and in plastic vests and fake gold chains. This will be fun!" She stood, walking over to him with excitement and every argument she could think of at the moment. "I'm going to decorate my apartment, and there will be lots of rum, and there will be all finger pirate food and treasure to find and everyone will be dressed up and have a good time!"

Sheldon sighed. "And I can't come dressed as the Flash?" She shook her head. "I have to be a pirate?" She nodded. "Am I allowed to be a historically correct pirate?"

Penny smiled. "As long as you come as a Pirate, I'm happy!"

Two days later, Sheldon was the last of his friends to arrive at the party, not wanting anyone to know anything about his costume. Penny, dressed in tight black pants, black thigh high heels, a puffy white shirt and green corset, opened the door happily, straightening the red and white polka-dot handkerchief on her head. Sheldon stood, proudly if not somewhat stinky, in his boots, black pants, orange and white striped shirt, and black vest. He even had on an eye patch. "Come in!" Penny said, winching. She leaned in, whispering, "Sweetie, do you know you smell?"

"Yes, it was harder than I thought to recreate the stench of the unwashed masses, but a few key scents mixed together did the trick. The cooking oil and soap flakes in my hair to simulate the lice were the least of my worries." Penny tried desperately to keep a smile on her face. He held out a burlap sack. "Happy Birthday, Penny!"

"Thanks!" She took it gingerly, but enthusiastically: she should have known something would be amiss when he had said "historically correct pirate." She opened the bag and tried to feign happiness and surprise. "Limes! What a... thoughtful gift!"

Sheldon smiled, pleased with himself. "Limes were actually incredibly sought out items for a pirate ship. That supply should keep you from getting scurvy for at least a month."

Her face and attitude softened: he didn't want her to get sick. "Aww, Sheldon, that's pretty sweet. Thank you, really. And I like your costume. Eye patch and everything!"

He shrugged, somewhat frustrated. "Well, I was unable to get the make-up quite right to simulate an eye lost to a knife fight, so the eye patch is somewhat of a compromise."

 She retied the burlap closed and hoisted the bag onto her hip. "I like it anyway."

He smiled, following her deeper into the room and the center of the party. "Well, thank you! Would you like to see how I simulated Syphilis?"

  
(*Art by LJ's Pouf)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 **~6~**

"Captain Cooper!" She shouted, her bosom heaving with the effort of following him onto the deck. She grasped at the wall next to her, the ocean's swells more than she was used to today. 

He turned at her voice, his long hair billowing in the wind, his shirt pushing back with the gust to reveal a wiry, thin, golden chest. "Yes, my dear?" He asked, hopping down from the rail he had perched himself on. 

"You can not bring me back to my father!" She did not want to think what their change in corse meant. Perhaps she was too much trouble for him, drinking all the rum and causing havoc among the men. Maybe he thought the money he could get for her ransom was more appealing than her company. No matter what possibility she came up with, she didn't like it. 

He strode toward her confidently, his stance wide to balance against the rocking of his boat. "Sweet, sweet Penelope. I thought that was what you wanted. You said as much the first day you were here."

It was true. She had begged and pleaded to be let go those first few, horrible days. She'd been taken in the night by a rogue, sold on the dock to the highest bidder: Captain Cooper's first mate. He'd smuggled her aboard, hoping to please his captain with a gift, or to ransom her back to her father for the money. But Captain Cooper wasn't the fierce, ungodly man she'd pictured him to be. She'd slowly gotten to know him as he kept her sequestered in his own quarters until he decided what to do with her, locking her in his room alone at night while he slept on deck lest he be tempted to take her. He was logical, smart, had been educated in the same schools as her brothers, and yet he decided to live a life of adventure and rapture upon the sea. When she was younger she'd spent hours upon hours gazing at the sea; knowing her life could be more. She saw all of her longing in the crystal clear ocean eyes of her captor. "I..." She faltered, and saw that the captain's gaze had shifted from her face to the way her now torn and dirty party dress lifted her breasts, "I suppose I did, but I may have changed my mind."

He lifted his eyebrows, walking around her, surefooted as he circled her like a shark circling it's prey, while she struggled to keep her footing. "Is that so? What in this world could have changed your mind? I thought you were of the opinion that I was likened to the devil?"

She shrugged, every nerve in her body aware of him as he inched closer and closer with each concentric circle. Her hands fisted in her voluminous skirts. "I may have been wrong. I see... freedom, and adventure. And you have not done me any harm so far." In fact, he'd made his first mate walk the plank after seeing that he'd taken a female prisoner. He seemed to be... almost gentlemanly if his behavior so far was any indication. 

He stopped in front of her, leaning forward until she nearly had her back to the wall behind her. A wave crashed into the side of the boat, spraying water over the side and into her face, she flinched, but he didn't move a muscle. "So, you would like to stay?" She nodded. "What capacity could I keep you on as? Everyone must pay their way on my ship." She looked away, unwilling to say what she was thinking: it wasn't proper. "Can you cook?" She shook her head. "Perhaps I should make you scrub the deck?" Her eyes widened with the horror of a woman of her stature doing menial tasks, perhaps he was as uncouth as the rest believed him to be. 

An evil smile overtook the Captain's face, and he began to move closer to her, backing her up into the wall behind her, pressing the long, lean planes of his body against the soft curves of hers. He slid a hand up the tight side of her corset. "Perhaps, you can be... mine?" He asked, ducking his head to run tiny kisses up the side of her neck. "Yes, Penelope? Would you consent to be mine? In every since of the word?"

Her mind raced. She was to stay pure for her betrothed, but the promise of a life so exciting, so raw, with a man that was so complex, beckoned her. Her hands would around his lithe body, pulling him closer. "Yes," she whispered, looking into the deep sapphire of his eyes. He leaned down slowly, closer and closer...

Penny fell off her couch with a heavy thump, barely missing the coffee table. She sat up, rubbing her head and wondering at the tingle that raced through her body. Pirate Sheldon. Holy crap: Pirate Sheldon had her up against a wall and had been ready to kiss her. And she liked it. 

Holy crap on a cracker. 

Penny hopped back on the couch and closed her eyes tightly, trying to find the dream again. 

 **~7~**

Sheldon wouldn't look at him, wouldn't look at any of them. "It's not that bad, buddy," Howard coaxed. "I bet you can use it to get chicks!"

Sheldon turned his good side to Howard and scoffed. "As soon as our take-out gets here I will be going to my room. I do not need to hear the jokes again." 

Raj walked closer to Sheldon who had sequestered himself in the kitchen, facing away from them all, hiding his eye patch by keeping his back turned as he prepared cutlery for their dinner. "Come on, Dude. You're wearing an eye patch. It's pretty funny." 

"Yeah," Leonard seconded, sitting in his chair. "But I still don't understand how you managed to scratch your cornea."

Sheldon didn't turn around, but held up a hand to stop him none the less. The tightness in his voice was obvious. "What Howard was doing making a paper airplane during a departmental meeting I'll never know, but he threw it while I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, which was paying attention to the person speaking, not him, which resulted in me turning toward the paper projectile at an inopportune moment. Hence the scratched cornea. Please do not make me repeat it again." Howard opened his mouth to reply, but Sheldon cut him off before he could even speak. "Your strike stands, you are lucky I haven't banished you."

Sheldon continued to make himself busy, trying his best to keep his back to the three men in the room to ward off his discomfort and embarrassment. After a silent moment he could feel the shift in air pressure and the slight sounds that told him the door had opened. He heard Penny speaking to Leonard softly. "Hey, got your text. He still...upset?" She was obviously referring to him, which added just a little more tension to his shoulders. He couldn't make out the next exchange, but focused instead on making sure there were no water spots on the knives before him. 

Penny took a deep, bright breath as she marched toward him. "Ahoy, Moonpie!"

He spun at the first syllable out of her mouth, ready to automatically issue her a strike, but found her wearing her own eye patch. She lifted it briefly and winked at him before it snapped back into place. 

Sheldon pursed his lips, unsure as to whether he wanted to wince or smile.    
**  
~8~**

"But why?" The green eyed, brunette five year old asked, looking up at his father and shifting his dress-up pirate hat back farther on his head. 

Sheldon stooped down to his son's level, adjusting the hat more firmly on his head. "Because we must take something of value and hide it. That is what you told me pirates do: we take things and hide our treasure, correct?" The boy rubbed his eyes and wiped his nose of the back of his hand as he nodded: his spring allergies were acting up after they'd been playing in the backyard for most of the afternoon. Sheldon pulled a tissue out of his back pocket and wiped the boys' hand, then his nose. 

"But Dad," the boy whispered, "Mom's not gonna like it!" His eyes were wide with mischief, looking at the two foot deep hole they'd dug and the plastic bag full of "booty" sitting next to it. 

Sheldon stood, pulling the plastic sword from his belt and holding it high, his voice alight with fantasy. "Are you saying, Mighty Captain Hook, that you do not wish to complete our great adventure?"

The boy smiled and shook his head. "No, First Mate Daddy!" He laughed giddily, lifting up the tightly sealed plastic bag. "I'm just sayin' Mom's gonna be mad!" 

"I have a plan for that, Captain. First, we must bury the treasure, then we must mark it with an 'X.' After that, we must create a treasure map. I am prepared to begin, if it pleases you, Captain!" Sheldon sheathed his sword back in his belt loop and picked up the small shovel next to him, waiting for his son's order. The boy put the bag in the hole and laughed when Sheldon tossed the first shovel of dirt on top of it. 

Later that night after their son had gone to bed, Penny stormed out of the bedroom and into Sheldon's study. "Where is my jewelry box?" She was more annoyed than upset, figuring that this was why her boys had been so secretive all night, but wanting to know the truth none the less. 

Sheldon turned calmly and shuffled the papers in his hands as he looked at his wife. "Buried in the back yard." She took a step forward, her anger bubbling up. He stood quickly, dropping his papers on his desk and tried to reassure her. "I promise you it is perfectly safe: I prepared and sealed its protective casings myself. Captain Hook and First Mate Daddy needed treasure to bury."

She sighed. "Sheldon, when I told you to come up with something fun for the two of you to do while I was out of town this weekend I didn't mean for you to bury all my jewelry!" She was torn between the unrelenting cuteness of her boys playing pirates and the frustration that her best jewelry was buried somewhere in their back yard. 

Sheldon hugged her tightly. "It was not my first choice, either, but our son assured me that we needed something of value to steal."

Penny laughed, reaching up to kiss him lightly. "Sweetie, you need to stop obeying our five year old."

Sheldon shrugged. "He was properly supervised at all times. Pillaging your jewelry was my idea, not his. He wished to bury sticks, but I did not think that sticks qualified as treasure." Sheldon leaned back, smoothing down her hair. "I suggest that you 'happen' upon our 'secret' Treasure Map hidden in the Batman cookie jar and you two launch a recovery mission while I'm at work tomorrow."

Penny laughed, slowly backing out of the room. "Oh, there will be recovery..." She smiled mischievously, "And there will be retaliation, Moonpie."   

He narrowed his eyes at her, smirking dangerously. "You know what happens when you call me Moonpie."

Still slowly backing away, Penny playfully tugged down the strap of her tank top. "I get a strike?" She asked hopefully. 

He strode towards her purposefully, following her to their bedroom.  "Oh, do you ever!"


End file.
